Love, ACTION or EMOTION? or BOTH?

I’m under a lot of pressure, at work and on the home front (he says and then laughs)

“My wife thinks i don’t love her anymore because I don’t say it”…

“Since you know what she wants, why don’t you tell her?” (I say to him)

“How about what I want? Why is it always about what women want?”

“It isn’t always about what women want”. The responsibility for a woman to her husband is for her to submit to him in everything (Eph 5:24). What does submit mean? The giving of one’s self to another. Not submit in terms of saying ‘woman, sit on the floor’ and you expect her to sit. Or woman ‘come and clean my feet’ and she comes running. That’s not the type of submit the bible is preaching.

The responsibility for a man to his wife, is for him to love her as Christ loved the church” (Eph 5:25). Christ loved the church (us) by literally dying on the cross for us. This was action not words. He said it and then he showed it.

 “So she’s not supposed to love me too”?

“She is”.

“A woman won’t submit to a man she doesn’t have love and respect for, so her submit here translates to love”. 

“She doesn’t think I love her and yet I’m sweating to ensure she lives a comfortable life with the kids in the UK, buy her what she wants, expensive schools for the kids et al”.

“That’s not what she wants”. It’s not about those things.

“Oh then what else??”..

As a matter of fact, those things are your responsibility as the man of the house. That’s not showing her you love her. She wants to feel you love her from your words and actions. Love is more of an action than emotions…

The next statements were extracted from a letter written to me by someone special. He sought to respond to one of my reader’s comment that ‘sometimes love is not enough’.

Finally it hit me..."Love is an action, not an emotion". The poets lied to us all, they never understood it too. They had always described love in terms of emotions, tingling sensations, butterflies fluttering on your insides...emotions...things we could feel. If love was an emotion, then it would be possible to fake, cos it isn’t hard to express what you don't feel. If love was an emotion, then it could be simulated. If love was an emotion, then it could be unconscious. But love isn’t. Love is a choice. You choose to love or you choose not to. "You can't give what you don't have".  I could go on and on, but let me explain how it transformed my understanding of 1st Corinth 13..

"God is Love"

Love is patient...God is patient with us, sometimes I really don't understand why.

Love is kind....God is too kind to us.

Love is not jealous...God is a jealous God? I wonder, cos if He was, He wouldn’t put up with our worshipping Facebook and our jobs more than we worship Him

Love does not demand its own way...God has given us the freedom to choose what we want.

Love is not irritable...God puts up with all our crap and excuses.

Love does not keep a record of wrongs...God doesn’t stockpile our sins as evidence against us. He forgives us all of our sins.

Love does not give up... God never gives up on us, even when we choose to walk the wrong path

Love never loses faith...God never gives up faith in us. He believes in us. Look at Job!

Love is always hopeful...God is the father of the prodigal son.

Love endures through every circumstance...Despite the trials and temptations we go thru, God is always with us

All the definitions of love mentioned in 1st Corinth 13 are actions, not emotions. Emotions are basically sensory perceptions experienced/felt by someone and could be triggered by anything. Actions are carried out by someone and felt by another person. So if love is an action, you can't give what you don't have. I am going to stop here; I don't want to sound philosophical.

''Sometimes love isn’t enough..." My response?

I will be patient and be willing to learn from you

I will be kind and always seek the best for u

I will not be jealous, rather I'll rejoice in your success and appreciate your beauty when others gush about it

I will not be selfish, rather I will learn to compromise and make sacrifices

I will accept your mood swings and learn how to make u smile when your mood is dark

I will not keep a database of any arguments we may have, neither will I use them as weapons of aggravation

I will not give up on us

I will not lose faith in us

I will always stick by your side, despite the adversity and difficulties that may come up.

Men are more motivated by sight. Women are more motivated by words and the little seemingly insignificant acts of love. In the words of Luther Vandross, ‘buy me a rose, call me from work, open the door for me, show me you love me by the look in your eyes….these are the little things that mean the most in my life”.

So guys, though the gifts matter, it’s not about the Louis Vuitton bag, Swarovski earrings, expensive school for the kids, holiday trips anywhere in the world etc. It’s about YOU. It’s about you being there as a shoulder to lean on, it’s about you touching her in a way she knows you truly love her and then words won’t mean as much, its showing the love in spoken and unspoken words and so many other seemingly minute things your wife expects support for. You may not be physically present but just showing her that you are verbally present and letting her be a part of the decisions you make in the things that matter the most in living your lives is part of what will show your wife how much you care.

Women, cut him some slack. He doesn’t love you any less just because he doesn’t tell you. He may just be too pre-occupied with ensuring that the daily bread is taken care of, he may forget to say it. Pardon his shortcomings in expressing his love, most men are not emotional creatures. When he does forget, instead of bitching him about not saying it, say it to him and he’ll most likely remember then. Tell him you love him and prove it to him by submitting. Don’t give up, just do your part and pray.


Just me again,
Chinny! :)